Unless you’re a frequenter of the Tiger Woods video game series, you may not know that every impossibly green/healthy looking hole at Augusta National has a proper name. That’s right. Ernie Els didn’t 6? putt (I lost count), Hole 1 to start off the day, Ernie Els blew it on the green of Tea Olive. Tea Olive. Dope name. The Masters claims to be a tradition unlike any other.. Now I would argue that it is similar to others, (like the British Open for instance), but when it comes to assigning proper names to every hole, The Masters has that market cornered. Now I’m supposed to believe that these names have something to do with the types of trees or flowers or shrubbery on each hole? Bullshit.. Nature isn’t this perverted. Whoever named these holes was clearly mid lap dance at a Crazy Girls when he remembered he had 18 names due in 4 hours. Instead of stopping mid chub to write, he just started naming holes after whatever shit was in the strip club. Here’s the top 5 things our man saw.
5. Yellow Jasmine (Hole 8)
Jasmine is a middle eastern name. I learned this from Aladdin. Actually Aladdin may have been Indian. Can’t be sure. I’m assuming Yellow Jasmine is a very on point racist stripper name for a stripper who is Chinese, but dressed as an Arabian princess. Nailed it.
4. Flowering Crab Apple (Hole 4)
Where to start with Flowering Crab Apple.. Hemorrhoids? I wasn’t sure if I should go the hemorrhoids route, so I Google imaged hemorrhoids, and now I’m CERTAIN that these “golf holes” were named at a strip club. Honestly I saw one picture, and Flowering Crab Apple is perhaps the most dead on Hemorrhoid analogy/comparison you could make.
3. White Dogwood (Hole 11)
The cool thing about Crazy Girls is that they make everything out of real wood. The stage is a rich mahogany, and the bar is made from the bark of the White Dogwood tree… Nah just kidding.. His staff was at full mast for this one.
2. Flowering Peach (Hole 3)
Yeah he was at an all nude strip club…
1. Pink Dogwood (Hole 2)
… and bestiality was in season
You’ll notice these 5 holes are early on in the course. It appears that once our guy got to the back 9, he just started naming strippers: Camellia, Golden Bell, Nandina, Carolina Cherry, etc.
A TRADITION UNLIKE ANY OTHER
John Rich @JohnRichTV richjohntv@gmail.com
John Rich TV 