NFL Mock Draft

This mock draft includes grades and trades.

1.Jacksonville Jaguars – Ikem Ekwonu (NC State) – Defensive End

Jaguars play it safe and shore up their defensive line. Ekwonu will look to set the edge in the AFC South for years to come. (Grade A-)

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2. Detroit Lions – Malik Willis (Liberty) – Quarterback

Unsatisfied with Jared Goff, the Lions reach for a QB with the 2nd overall pick. (Grade C)

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3. Houston Texans – Aiden Hutchinson (Michigan) – Defensive End

Houston fans who were upset about their team hiring a black head coach rejoice when they select Aiden Hutchinson to seal the edge and shore up their defensive line. (Grade A-)

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4. New York Jets – Evan Neal (Alabama) – Offensive Line  

The top ranked offensive lineman gets taken 4th overall by the Jets. Evan Neal becomes the second player with 2 first names to be selected in this draft. (Grade A)

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5. New York Giants – Sam Howell (North Carolina) – Quarterback

Sam Howell skyrockets up draft boards across the league and goes 5th overall to the Giants after the internet uncovers an impressive history of progressive social media posts. (Grade B)

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6. Carolina Panthers – Michelle Obama (Princeton & Harvard) – Athlete

After the Giants receive overwhelming praise for selecting such an impressively woke quarterback, the Panthers decide to draft Michelle Obama. Roger Goodell grants the Panthers an additional draft pick for having the courage to select a brave woman. (Grade B-)

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6 (Bonus). Carolina Panthers – Bushwacker (Rodeo Bull) – Running Back

Fans who were upset about the Panthers drafting a 58-year-old black woman rejoice when they take Bushwacker, the most famous rodeo bull of all time, with their bonus pick. (Grade A)

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7. New York Giants – Grass-Fed Cow (Organic Farm) – Running Back

Chaos ensues in the Giants draft room after what happened with the Panthers picks. Do they go with liberal views or a rodeo bull? The front office splits the difference and drafts a grass-fed cow from an organic farm. (Grade D+)

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8. Atlanta Falcons – Travon Walker (Georgia) – Defensive End

The Falcons cautiously take Walker with the 8th pick to shore up their defensive line. They didn’t expect him to fall this far. On one hand it seems like a no brainer. On the other hand, they didn’t expect Bushwacker to be selected at all. Seems kind of dumb to take a human when there are rodeo bulls available. (Grade C-)

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9. Seattle Seahawks – Mr. Peanut (Planters) – Corner Back

Sensing that this draft is turning silly, the Panthers select Mr. Peanut. Mr. Peanut is small and unathletic. He gets a laugh, but will be a liability in the secondary. (Grade F)

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10. New York Jets – Tony The Tiger (Kellogg’s) – Defensive End

Now that they have a feel of how this draft is going to go, the Jets select Tony The Tiger. Tony The Tiger is silly, but still effective. Enormous upper body. Positive attitude. Good with children. Has claws. Will help seal the edge. (Grade B+)

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11. Washington Commanders – Grave Digger (Monster Truck) – Running Back

Brilliant choice by the Commanders to go with a monster truck here. Should be an automatic touchdown every time Grave Digger touches the ball. (Grade A+)

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12. Minnesota Vikings – El Toro Loco (Monster Truck) – Running Back

Hard to justify not taking a monster truck now that’s on the table. El Toro Loco is the second most popular monster truck according to a Google search (Grade A+)

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13. Houston Texans – Jurassic Attack (Monster Truck) – Running Back/Defensive End

Fearing this will become a theme, the Texans didn’t want to risk not having a monster truck. No reason they shouldn’t play their monster truck on both sides of the ball. (Grade A+)

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14. Baltimore Ravens – Mohawk Warrior (Monster Truck) – Quarterback

Why waste time handing the ball off when you can snap it directly to the monster truck and run a QB Sneak. (Grade A+)

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15. Philadelphia Eagles – John Metchie III (Alabama) – Wide Receiver

The Eagles reach for the 10th ranked human wide receiver in the draft. (Grade D)

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16. New Orleans Saints – Spike Strip (Police Auction) – Defensive Line

Zig when they think you’re going to zag. It’s become apparent that the league will soon be taken over by monster trucks. A spike strip may be the only thing that can stop them. But will a spike strip even effect monster truck tires? Probably not even close. (Grade D-)

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17. Indianapolis Colts (traded from Chargers) – Predator (Monster Truck) Quarterback/Linebacker

The Colts trade a majority of their team to the Chargers to move up and take a monster truck with the 17th pick. (Grade A+)

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18. Miami Dolphins – Necky (Donkey Kong Country) – Linebacker

Rumors begin to swirl that commissioner Roger Goodell will not allow monster trucks to play. The Dolphins pivot and select Necky the giant bird boss from Donkey Kong Country who spits coconuts. Necky has great size, but he will die if you bonk him on the beak 5 times. (Grade B-)

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19. New Orleans Saints – Mirror Man (Imaginary) – Running Back

A man made up entirely of mirrors. A bit of a risk. He might confuse defenses with reflections. Or it might end up not being that confusing at all. Just tackle the reflection of yourself. He also has sharp edges. (Grade C)

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20. Pittsburgh Steelers – Clifford The Big Red Dog (Children’s Books) – Strong Safety

The Steelers brainstorm other big things that aren’t monster trucks and draft Clifford who is a dog the size of a house. Clifford has big paws, a big tail, takes big steps, and helps the firemen. He is also inconvenient to be around, and a menace to society. Townsfolk are not sure how to deal with him. (Grade B-)

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21. New England Patriots – Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters) – Middle Linebacker

The Patriots also go with a giant version of something. They want to specify that they are drafting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. The paranormal monster who is bigger than most buildings. (Grade A-)

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22. Green Bay Packers – Kool-Aid Man (Cold Drink) – Outside Linebacker

Like a regular pitcher of Kool-Aid except larger and sentient. Will cause stains and make people kind of sticky. Not sure what happens to him after he spills. (Grade D)

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23. Arizona Cardinals – Dragon’s Breath (Monster Truck) – Free Safety

Despite the looming threat of a monster truck ban, the Cardinals take a risk and select Dragon’s Breath to shore up their secondary. Should compliment Clifford The Big Red Dog’s style of play nicely. (Grade A+)

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24. Dallas Cowboys – Master Hand (Super Smash Brothers) – Middle Linebacker

The final boss from Super Smash Brothers. A giant floating hand. Nintendo phoned it in a bit. Master Hand should cover the entirety of the field. Will be nearly impossible to run an offense with him on the field. (Grade A+)

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25. Buffalo Bills – Lubo Palenik (Personal Trainer) – Cornerback

A personal trainer who works at my gym in Columbus. I’ve been looking for a place to make fun of him for a while now. He takes up multiple machines at once, even when it’s busy. He bullies people around the gym. I’m considering leaving a negative Google review. (Grade F-)

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26. Tennessee Titans – Punxsutawney Phil (Groundhog) – Running Back

I think the Titans get creative here with a groundhog. Nissan Stadium has real grass (Tifsport Bermuda Sod) so Phil will be able to dig holes and burrow to the end zone. Turf will be a problem. (Grade C)

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27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Squirrel (Nature) – Running Back

Tampa Bay also goes with a small animal. Fans love when small animals make it onto the field during games. Especially when they get in the endzone. (Grade A)

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28. Green Bay Packers – P.C. Boot (The Shoe People) – Punter/Kicker

From the 1987 British cartoon The Shoe People. P.C. Boot is the policeman of Shoe Town. He lives at the Shoe Street Police Station. He is friends with Sid Slipper and Gilda Van Der Clog – (Grade B)

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29. Kansas City Chiefs – Big Red (Monster Truck) – Running Back

Still no official monster truck sanctions from Goodell. The Chiefs get one that matches their uniforms. (Grade A+)

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30. Kansas City Chiefs – Dirt Ramp (Dirt Ramp) – Offensive Line

The Chiefs shore up their offensive line by replacing it with a dirt ramp. Expect the dirt ramp to bust Big Red open for some big gains this season. (Grade A+)

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31. Cincinnati Bengals – Tigger (Winnie The Pooh) – Wide Receiver

Coaches will have to be careful game planning for Tigger, due to his spring-loaded tail. They will also have to be careful when they say his name out loud, due to the slur. (Grade B-)

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32. Detroit Lions – Countess von Backwards (Sesame Street) – Cornerback

Same as the regular Count but counts backwards and is a woman. Second woman drafted in the first round. New record. (Grade F)

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