Happy Thirsty Thursday! Remember Thirsty Thursdays back in college when you and your friends would catch a nice buzz and head out to the bars? But right before you would leave for the bars someone would say, “Let’s take a dab”, and in your head you’d think, “Every single time I get high before going out I have a terrible time and just sit nervously in the corner” but with your mouth you say, “Yeah sure hand me that literal blowtorch!” and you take a monster dab.
You then start walking to the bars and are like, “Yep this was a terrible fucking idea” and you really just want to turn around and go play NCAA 14 with your one roommate who never comes out on Thursday because he is actually a responsible person. But everyone else you are with seems to be having a good time so you’re like “alright John time to cowboy up and make the best of this.”
Then you decide to Snapchat that cute girl you got partnered up with in American Culture Studies to see if she’s going to be out at the bars as well. When you open the front facing camera on your phone you notice your eyes are wayyyyy to bloodshot to be seen out in public. You ask if anyone has eyedrops and of course nobody does, so you decide to stop at the Circle K on the way to the bars and tell your friends you’ll catch up with them in a minute.
You go into Circle K where you buy $8 eye drops and a 32oz Polar Pop. You put in the eye drops then think to yourself, “Why the fuck did I buy a Polar Pop? I don’t even want a Polar Pop.”, so you throw the full Polar Pop in the trash can and proceed to the bar.
Since you’re so high you are now really self-conscious about being by yourself so you keep your head down, pull out your phone, and pretend to text. As you walk into the bar your hear a girl say, “Hi John!”.. – oh shit it’s the cute girl from American Culture Studies so you’re like, “Hey Tori!”, and she goes, “It’s actually pronounced Tauri… why are you by yourself?” You don’t want to explain that you were getting eye drops because you aren’t exactly sure how she feels about smoking weed so you’re like “My bad Tauri, I was just on the phone with my mom” which makes zero since because it’s midnight on a Thursday, but she’s nice enough so she’s like, “Aww that’s so sweet of you!”
You gain your composure and ask her if she has seen your friends and she says no. It becomes clear that your friends actually went to a different bar, so now you’re in a situation where you don’t know if you should stay and talk to Tauri, or just turn around and walk out like an asshole. You’ve now been standing there in silence for 30 seconds and Tauri’s friends are looking at you like “’Ok who is this creep.” so you panic and say, “Let me buy you a drink”.
You go buy two Long Island Ice Teas from the bar and walk back to Tauri. You hand her the drink and one of her friends immediately goes, “Wait how well do you know this guy?” – implying that you might have slipped something in her drink.. Like what the fuck bitch I literally just bought these drinks right in front of your face why would you even say that. Tauri brushes off the comment but now the awkwardness level is through the roof. The only talking point you can think of is your American Culture Studies class. So you’re like, “Don’t you think it’s about time the Cleveland Indians change their mascot?” and she says “Well I’m Irish and I’m not offended by Notre Dame’s mascot..” then you say “well there’s not really a history of Irish people being persecuted in America the same way Native Americans were.”, and she goes, “I just think people are overly sensitive” so you’re like “alright yeah I see what you mean..” and look down at the floor. Tauri goes back to talking to her friends, so you chug the rest of your Long Island Ice Tea and tell her that you’ll see her in class on Monday. That’s when she tells you she is actually dropping that class and changing her major to Fashion Merchandising. So you’re like, “Oh sweet well maybe I’ll see you around”, and she’s like “Mhmm yeah maybe..” then you leave the bar alone.
You make it across the street to the bar where your friends are at and they’re like, “John where the hell have you been?!” and you’re like, “Just talkin to this chick. She’s obsessed with me I couldn’t get rid of her.” Then you high five your friends – “hahahahahahaha bitches am I right?! Let’s go do a line in the bathroom.” You go do a line in the bathroom and return to the bar. The cocaine levels you out a little bit and you have a really good time for the next 7 minutes until it wears off. You ask your friend for another bump but he’s all out, you missed out on the fun while you were talking to that kinda racist chick. You try to chase that high by ordering a triple Red Bull and vodka, but it’s not the same. Why the fuck do you even go out anymore? This is so stupid. You just spent the last $50 in your bank account, and for what? You don’t even really like the bars that much. You’re for sure going to skip class tomorrow now and feel bad about it all weekend. You impulsively decide to pull an Irish goodbye, sneak out the back, and walk home alone.
Thirsty Thursday’s man.