Here’s what Johnny Football’s future looks like

Johnny Football is going down a hell of a path. It’s wild stuff. I may even go as far to as say it’s been an emotional rollercoaster for him. But where will Johnny go next? More importantly, where will he end up? Because even if it’s not in football, I have a feeling that he isn’t going away. I mean, there must be a reason people hang out with him right? Because on the surface, his life is a manifestation of the words “dumpster” and “fire”. But he’s still out there chillin with Drake and Von Miller and what not.. So is he funny or something? Or does he just know how to party that well?

If he’s really that great to party with, I think Johnny should go down the Scott Disick path in life. Nobody in the world actually knows what Scott Disick does. He doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, which is pretty telling. I’m pretty sure he just gets paid to be a wild card on the Kardashian’s, and to show up to places where he can publicly fall off the wagon…

…and to produce FIRE tabloid headlines like this this.



I don’t know if Johnny can take this thing to borderline incest levels, but you can’t deny the kid has potential. Scott Disick literally relapses for a profession, and Johnny can certainly do that.  He’s already got in his first relapse as a career-alcoholic. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s deep in the middle of one right now. My advice: Just embrace it Johnny. You’ll essentially just become a professional wild card. Don’t plan anything — you don’t become a Scott Disick or a Charlie Kelly by planning things. Just let the liquor figure it out. BE THE LIQUOR JOHNNY.


But the liquor may not be all the future has in store for Johnny. One thing Scott Disick has managed to do (i think?) is stay out of prison — at least for the most part. Now if Johnny is gonna go down the Scott Disick path, drugs are gonna need to play a major role, and I’m worried Johnny doesn’t have a strong enough desire to not get caught. I mean, the kid was posting rolled up bills onto social media as soon as he entered the league. There are without a doubt more DUI’s and domestic violence related incidents to come for John Football — I think we can all agree on that. But even when Johnny inevitably gets his first long-term prison sentence, his life won’t be over. He can still pursue the Longest Yard/Paul Crewe route. Seriously, you can’t tell me that this scene is not straight out of Johnny Football’s future Career-Alcoholic Highlight Reel.

I guarantee that somewhere there’s a Prison Warden version of Jerry Jones who is chomping at the bit just waiting for Manziel to catch a body with his car. Look, this whole thing ain’t gonna be pretty. The guards are gonna be tough on Johnny at first. He’ll ruffle some feathers, get a few nightsticks to the back of the head, but he’s a tough kid. Eventually he’ll meet a low-key Ryan Leaf who just so happens to be an inmate at the same prison, and they will join forces to assemble a team of convicts called the Money Machine — But only after Johnny pisses off the wrong guy and indirectly gets his best friend murdered… The Money Machine will need that for motivation.

RIP Caretaker. Any last words for your boy Johnny?


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