Speed Ranking: Sunflower Seeds

It’s baseball time again folks. Seeds time. It’s also time for more Speed Rankings. I’ve stated in prior blogs that Speed Rankings don’t have time to put things in order. However, the beautiful thing about Speed Rankings/JohnRichTV is that I can change the rules whenever the fuck I want and nobody can tell me not to. I payed my $18 to get JohnRichTV.com for 1 year, so I’m gonna do what I want.

I’ve been a seeder ever since the back of the David’s Sunflower Seed bags posed the question, “Are you a Seeder?” . So I likely know more about sunflower seeds than most people. Now that I’ve qualified myself. Here are Sunflower Seed Speed Rankings split into tiers.

TOP TIER SEEDS

Bigs Sea Salt & Black Pepper

Big time flavor. They were almost too intense for me to have while I was umpiring because they’re so addictive that I would shamelessly throw in mouthfuls between pitches all game long.

 

David’s Original

Consistent seed. Very classic. But most importantly they go well with any beverage. I’ve done a lot of driving in my day — Monster Energy drinks + David’s Original’s have gotten me thru many nights of driving. No other seeds really go that well with beverages.

 

David’s Barbecue

By far the best BBQ seed on the market. Nothing else even comes close. There’s a few others that I’ll go with from time to time in the lower tiers, but David’s knows seed. It’s undeniable.

 

David’s Sweet & Salty

I imagine this is a controversial choice, but the sweet & salty combo that David puts together is special. The flavor reminds me of the trail mix that my mom would make before long road trips. M&M’s, Goldfish, Pretzels, Nuts, Raisins, other things, etc. So maybe it’s a nostalgia thing. But David’s Sweet & Salty’s are 1ST TIER in my book.

 

2ND TIER SEEDS

David’s Cracked Pepper

Cracked Pepper is best used along with Sea Salt. Sometimes I think the reason I like Bigs Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper better than David’s Cracked Pepper is because I think the sea is kinda cool. Always have. No so much the beach, but the sea in general. Seafood is always the most interesting food. I’m a big fan of the sea. So David’s Cracked Pepper’s are good. But the lack of salt from the sea knocks them down a peg.

 

Big’s Red Hot Buffalo Wings

I struggled with knocking these down to the 2nd Tier, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think I could live off spicy seeds only. A little too much kick to eat 24/7 — which is the way I eat sunflower seeds. They are delicious tho, if you’ve never had them, they’re worth the extra 50 cents that they for some reason cost.

 

Big’s Old Bay Seasoning

Big’s Old Bay seeds are like a rich chocolate delicatessen. They’re like crack at first, but you can’t have too many of them at once or you’ll feel sick, which is why they get knocked down a tier. Again tho, Big’s seed’s can be expensive. I’ve dropped 3 Washington’s on a bag before. But sometimes you gotta flex nuts at the 7/11.

 

Spitz Cracked Pepper

A very subtle, low-key pepper flavor that doesn’t hit too hard but can be consumed in bulk without ruining your tongue. The flavor is far from bursting, but they’re a different style seed — shorter & slightly fatter. Plus, sometimes you gotta eat seeds just to pass the time. SCP’s are perfect for that. Not to mention Spitz are the cheapest seeds. So if you’re seedin’ on a budget, I highly recommend these.

 

3RD TIER SEEDS 

Bigs Hidden Valley Ranch

Very heavy flavor. Very filling seed. Too creamy for sunflower seems tho. They can be decent at times I suppose. I’ve bought them before when I was feeling hipsterish, but I wouldn’t recommend them to most people. HOWEVER, they can be very useful. As I will explain later in this blog. That’s a teaser.

 

Bigs Stubb’s BBQ

As much as I want to love Stubb’s seeds because of the lovable cowboy on the front, they’re just not that great. I used to think I loved the actual Stubb’s BBQ sauce too, but honestly I think I just pretended to like it because I thought it might make me not racist or something. Flavor is mids at best.

 

CRYING JORDAN TEAR SEEDS 

Under no circumstances should anyone ever try any of these seeds. Personally, I’ve never tried any of them, and I have full confidence that they taste like moose shit.

Big’s Heinz Salt & Vinegar

Anyone who likes anything salt & vinegar is an absolute savage and should be locked away in a dungeon

 

David’s Sweet & Spicy

Is sweet and spicy even a thing? Like outside of Chinese food? I’ve had critically acclaimed spicy chocolate before and it made me gag. If these seeds are anything like that then they’re horrible.

 

David’s Dill Pickle

One time I was umpiring a baseball game and a fan INSISTED I try his dill pickle sunflower seeds (because he saw I was chewing a more responsible flavor) but I refused. Pickles are bad and I will not subject myself to them.

 

Big’s Sizzlin’ Bacon

Something about Bacon seems too dry even for sunflower seeds if that makes any sense. I feel like my mouth would just taste like bacon for days. Everyone freaks out about Bacon and I don’t really get it. I agree that actual bacon done right is terrific, but bacon flavored things are so phony. Just not for me.

 

David’s Original Low-Sodium

Never even considered trying them. I have a penis.

 

Davids Chili-Lime

My old college roommate once bought a bag of David’s Chili-Lime seeds. He must have tried like one handful of them that night, then called it quits, because the full bag sat on his dresser for the rest of the year.

 

Any Jalapeno Seeds

I’m not a spicy things guy for the most part. It ruins other foods. Jalapeno’s especially. They don’t even have a flavor. It’s literally just spiciness. You have to be a masochist to like that.

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

David’s Ranch

I don’t know what to do with David’s Ranch seeds. I get them from time to time, but do I really like them? I’m not sure. I know they last me longer than other seeds, which is generally a sign that they’re not that good — yet I continue to buy them. I’m just conflicted over ranch in general.

 

David’s Nacho Cheese

I haven’t had David’s Nacho Cheese Sunflower Seeds in four-score and seven-coon’s ages. I don’t think they exist anymore. But I certainly used to mow em down on the ball diamond at a young age.

 

Spitz any flavor other than cracked pepper

They’re for sure below average. I know I’ve tried a decent amount of them, but none come even close to Cracked Pepper. I see you tho Spitz. Appreciate the hustle.

 

Pumpkin Seeds

Just a very underrated seed in general. David’s has a nice flavor, and then there’s the brand with the Native America on the front. They don’t come from sunflowers so I can’t put them in an actual tier, but pumpkin seeds definitely bang.

 

GAME CHANGER

Big’s Red Hot Buffalo Wing + Big’s Hidden Valley Ranch 

The above rankings are all well and good. But if you REALLY want to have a unique sunflower seed experience, you’ll mix Big’s Red Hot Buffalo Wing seeds with Big’s Hidden Valley Ranch seeds. Separately they’re not top tier. But together they’re a FORCE. It’s the classic ranch and wings combo. Don’t get fancy and mix brands either. Big’s go with Big’s and David’s go with David’s, don’t overthink it.

 

 

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