Now that we have entered week 4 of quarantine, it is safe to assume that a purge is just around the corner. People are going crazy stuck in their homes, and it’s only a matter of time before President Trump announces a purge to help Americans blow off steam.
If you are unfamiliar with purging, I would recommend watching the movie The Purge, before you continue reading. Apparently it is free on YouTube.
If you do not have time to watch the 2013 Academy Award Winner for Best Picture, The Purge, here is a quick breakdown of what a purge is.
A purge typically lasts 24 hours. For those 24 hours, there are no laws. Stealing is legal. Murder is legal. Parking in handicap spaces is legal. Everything under the sun is legal. After those 24 hours are up, everything goes back to normal. Any crimes committed during those 24 hours are forgiven. It is important to have a plan in place if you want to survive the upcoming purge
Here are a some thing you can do to make sure you get the most out of your purge. Survival is most important, but it is also important that you get some purging in as well. You deserve it! You want to have a good story for your co-workers at the Monday morning Zoom meeting.
Get a Good Nights Sleep
This should go without saying, but it does need to be said. Make sure you get a good 12-16 hours of sleep leading up to the purge. It lasts 24 hours, and you’re going to want to be awake for all of them.
Buy a Mask
Anybody who knows anything about purging will tell you that a wacky mask is the most important thing you can have. It’s almost a game within the game to see who has the best mask. Your mask should be unique, it shouldn’t make much sense, and it should cover your entire head in a way that makes seeing extremely difficult.
I wouldn’t buy a mask from the movie. They’re always overused. Imagine showing up to your elderly neighbors house to purge with your friends, and your pal Jimmy has the same mask. EMBARASSING!
I would recommend going with Kermit The Frog
Purchase Life Insurance
Fingers crossed it doesn’t come to this, but you very well might die. Make sure your loved ones are taken care of in your wake.
Northwestern Mutual – Here For What’s Most Important
New York Life – 175 Years of Trust
Prudential – Protect Your Family Now
Do Your Murdering the Night Before
Now this is a little risky, but it is highly effective. As everyone knows, purges start and end at 12 midnight. However, the hours leading up to the purge are eerily quiet. Everyone is privately huddled up in their homes planning for the upcoming purge. This is the perfect time to strike. People don’t like to talk about it, but there is very little police presence the night before as well. Most police officers will take off the night before the purge to make a long weekend out of it. Say you’re purging Tim & Carrie Jessup down the street. Pop over there with your Kermit The Frog mask around 10pm the night before, tie them up, and cut their children into pieces while they watch. Blow Tim & Carrie’s brains out afterwards. Nobody expects this. When the post purge cleanup crews come, they’ll assume the murder happened during the purge and you’re in the clear. This way, you decrease the chances of getting purged yourself during peak hours.
Dig a Moat
Moats are criminally underused nowadays. If you ever come across a moat in real life, there’s a none percent chance you try to swim across. Who knows what could be in your moat. If you have access to a monster that swims, then definitely put that in your moat. If you don’t have immediate monster access, try filling your moat with acid. Scatter the severed remains of the Jessup family around the moat, to let people know that your moat is not to be trifled with. Just make sure you have a functioning draw bridge so you don’t trap yourself in your own home.
Automatic weapons, grenades, trip wire, machine guns, turrets, C4, claymores, land mines, tanks, bazookas, etc. Anything you can get your hands on. The more the better. If anybody makes it past your moat, you’ll light them up like the 4th of July.
White Collar Crime
People don’t often consider white collar crime during a purge. It’s a real shame, because there are lots of ways you can take advantage of people. Insider trading is a favorite of mine. Is your company about to announce that you’ve just been awarded an enormous government contract? Buy all of the stock. Give this information to as many people as you possibly can, and make sure you’re cut in for 10% of everyone’s earnings. While everyone else is busy killing each other, you can commit cybercrimes, blackmail your co-workers, start a Ponzi scheme, do racketeering, and move heavy amounts of drugs across state lines. You already got your fill of doing sick and twisted shit to the Jessup family on Purge’s Eve.
The memories will last a lifetime, but it’s nice to have pictures too! Instagram will be poppin’ the day after the purge, and you’re going want to make a cute post. Document all the crazy shit you did with your friends and family. It might be annoying to stop for a picture at the time, but trust me, you’ll be happy years from now when you can show your grandkids how much fun you had at the purge.