It’s Time: Bowling Green, OH

Now is the time for Bowling Green, OH. I know this because the last 2 days of my life have been a sign. Now is the time.

This is all true guys. Not that incredible wild of a story to most people, but to me, this is crazy, and gives me motivation to keep this shit rollin.

I think it was 2 days ago (can’t be sure, I’ve been on a bender) I got home from work around 11am – (work that day basically consisted of me driving around the Valley listening to Beyonce and Barstool Sports podcasts while half-ass looking for car dealerships. After about 2 hours, I got super hyped up about the idea of not having to work a day job, then drove home to say things about it on the internet.

At that point, I went on social media and said some shit about how I wanted to “Put Bowling Green on the Map”. I decided that that’s my new goal in life. Whether it’s thru stand-up comedy, blogging about nothing, trying to be an actual journalist with integrity,  I don’t know. I literally have no idea how to go about this, but Bowling Green is something I can get behind, it’s something I can get motivated about. Even tho I got out of BG as soon as humanly possibly, it’ll always be home to me, so no city will ever be closer to my heart. Maybe someday BG will be cool enough that people don’t wanna move away at the first possible opportunity. But who knows.

Anyways, yesterday morning, I’m trying to muster up the motivation to drive to Palmdale to make some sales. At the same time, I’m moving everything I own into the back of my car, because my rent at the hostel was up. As I’m putting the last baskets of laundry into the back of my Jeep, I get a call from my boss. Long story short, the company I work(ed) for expanded out to LA before they should have. So legally, I’m not even allowed to work for them right now. My boss tells me, “we’ll pay you for one month of work, but for now we don’t need you working any more”. Classic case of pre-mature ejaculation…

But really guys… HOW PERFECT IS THAT???!! That’s what I call start up money right there folks.

So after that weird start to the morning, I spend all of yesterday living out of my car, calling my dad, bumming around to different open mics, just trying to find a place to chill really. Lucky for me, I got a great friend, Adam Zoulek (s/o to Adam), who is allowing me to sleep on his couch for a couple nights until I can officially move into my apartment. Saving me from the Jeep dwelling lifestyle that I was all geared up for. Good ending to the night.

ANYWAYS. After these developments, But I wake up to this article on BustedCoverage.com

So apparently this broad got drunk and decided to hijack a catering service. I’m sure she had good intentions and was taking the food to a soup kitchen or something, but you can’t do that drunk babe. I very much appreciate the fact that Monique is trying to put Bowling Green on the map with me, and I respect her way of going about it. High Risk = High Reward. Risk it for the biscuit. If you ain’t stealing catering trucks you ain’t trying.

I wish I was the first one to “break” this story. But this blog Busted Coverage made the story viral.. So you’re taking shots at my hometown Bowling Green now Mr. Busted Coverage???? I sure hope so. This is the type of environment BGSU has been (or at least should have been) trying to create for years. I just wish this dumb bitches friends would embrace the fact that she’s getting page views, instead of crying about the article “ruining her life”

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BG!.. SU!…….. really? This article is ruining your life? It’s not your borderline lethal decision making skills? Figure it out girl. We all fuck up and make mistakes in college, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with the consequences like an adult. And yeah your 19 years old, that’s a LEGAL ADULT. You’re allowed to make mistakes in college, but when you do, you gotta keep them talons up and keep moving forward. NOW LISTEN TO ME SORORITY GIRL: This won’t define your life. If anything, take a lesson from my girl Beyonce and make Lemonade out of all these Lemons being thrown your way. Really, it’s about time that BGSU in general embraces what they really are. Which is a party school. They have some great educational programs, but education doesn’t put cities on the map these days. Crazy bitches taking joy rides down Main St in catering trucks – THAT’S OUR WHEELHOUSE. The sooner we recognize it this, the better. Until then, we’ll just be average academically, and average at parties. Just commit to something, please. Put all your eggs in one basket, ok? If you want my opinion, I’d go the partying route — especially considering the fact that girls like Monique are even accepted into BGSU.. The type of girl who can’t distinguish a car from a truck.

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I suppose trucks do handle a bit differently than most cars….

BUT THEN I get this sent to me this morning: BOWLING GREEN TOP 10 CITIES FOR FAMILY’S (as long as nobody in your family has any interest in alcohol or drugs)

So Bowing Green, Ohio has a potentially ROWDY college atmosphere, and is also a top 10 city to raise a family. BOWLING GREEN IS PEAKING PEOPLE!!!!!!! The stars are all aligning. I could dedicate the next 3 months to this thing without having to do shit else. Except maybe go spainging on the 101 a few times a week.

Idk where I’d even start tho tho be honest, I mean I’m kinda joking, but really I’m not. I wish i had the capital to invest in Bowling Green right now. I know for a FACT that there’s at least 4 Falcon football players who just got signed by NFL teams and are about to make Kanye West sized WAVES in the league. I’m certainly going to do everything I can to get an interview, or have some type of interaction with some of these players. Who knows how that’ll go, but we’re about to find out for sure.
It’s all happening guys. Bowling Green as you know it is about to change. We need a god damn festival. The fact that BGSU doesn’t have a marquee festival is ridiculous. And don’t tell me “St. Patty’s Day” or the “Spring Stampede” is festival quality. Of course they’re a blast. But we deserve better. There’s a big pl’ open field off of Crim & Enterprise. I know a stage would fit well there. If OU can have legitimate festivals on like a monthly basis, there’s no reason BGSU can’t do the same. So are we just gonna sit around and continue getting partied under the table by fucking Athens, Ohio? Or are we gonna nut up and do something about it?

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