Space Jam 2: The New MonStars

Space Jam 2 is coming to theaters at some point here in the near future. Featuring Lebron James of course.

Lebron is tailor made for Space Jam. Way more so than Michal Jordan was. MJ was clearly in it for the money (which I’m certain he had gambled away within a year after the movie came out). But Lebron, on the other hand, simply wants Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck to think he’s cool.

By the way, am I the only one who didn’t realize that the bad guy alien was played by Frank Reynolds? Also, the bad guy’s name was Swackhammer? Was that name ever even said in the movie? Maybe my memory is just that shot… can’t be sure.

Obviously we know who Lebron’s teammates are gonna be. Bugs is gonna run the point. Lola Bunny will play the 2 — we all know she can score in bunches. Lebron will have multiple roles on the team, but let’s just say he’ll be point forward. My only concern with the Toon Squad this time around is weather or not Lebron has the clutch gene needed to stretch his arms half the length of the court to throw down a last second dunk, in case he gets tackled from behind and the ref swallows his whistle like last time.

But I’m not here to talk about the Toon Squad. I’m sure the oddsmakers will put them around a +3.5 point underdog (HOT TIP: Take the points. You know it’s coming down to a 1 possession game, there’s gonna be a last second shot, so even when Lebron bricks it, you’ll still cash in — Nobody tell Vegas). But hopefully the Toon Squad knows to not let Lebron have the ball in his hands late. Let Bugs and Lola run the pick and roll up top, then put Lebron in to post to draw attention away from Daffy Duck spotting up in the corner for a game winning 3 Ray Allen style. That’s winning basketball right there.

If the MonStar’s want any chance this year, they’re gonna need to put together a heck of a lineup. Obviously, Swackhammer/Frank Reynolds will return to Earth from whatever planet he was blasted to at the end of Space Jam 1. He’ll steal his aliens back from the Looney Tunes. That’s a given. But in today’s NBA, whose talent will he choose to steal and give to his aliens to turn them into MonStars? It can’t be just anyone. The Toon Squad is gonna come prepared, so Swack is gonna need to find himself some talent. If you want my advice, here’s your starting 5.

CHRIS PAUL

Chris Paul is a pretty clear choice to run the point for the MonStars if you ask me. And not just because he kinda looks like the alien in the pictures above. Chris Paul is a dirty player. He always has been since college. He brings that MonStar attitude to the Clippers every single night. Dude will literally punch someone in the dick to get himself open. It’s happened more than once

Not only does he have the right attitude for the MonStars, but he I’m pretty sure that the aliens have already started stealing his talent — in case you’re not familiar with Space Jam and how talent stealing works, here’s how it happens.

… and it appears that the aliens have been gradually taking Chris Paul’s talents from him for years..

Now we know that the MonStars aren’t gonna play small ball. They won’t even bother with a shooting guard. All they need is pest like Chris Paul to run the point and throw alley oops to the 4 goons playing above the rim. So my next 4 selections would be as follows…

DEMARCUS COUSINS

This is perhaps the most obvious choice out there. Right down to the matching purple outfits. Demarcus was born to be a MonStar. I’m excited to see how Demarcus Cousins will thrive in a game with no rules. Rules are the one thing holding Demarcus back.

The MonStars certainly fit his style of play better than the Kings do. Some call it an attitude problem, Coach Swackhammer sees it as a solution. Also, I’m very excited about the matchup between Demarcus and the Tasmanian Devil. It’ll be a battle of wits for sure. But mostly I’m excited to see how many Looney Tunes characters Demarcus murders mid-game. Elmer Fudd’s racist sounding ass is certainly going down.

BLAKE GRIFFIN

PLOT TWIST: The orange alien never actually gave Charles Barkley his talent back. He just laid low for a while, got some minor facial work done, and returned to Earth as Blake Griffin. The resemblance in uncanny. But my favorite thing about Blake Griffin on the MonStars, is that he’s liable to haul off and punch Swackhammers stupid little assistant in the face. I mean, if he did it to his best friend, no way this annoying little alien filing Coach Swackhammer’s finger nails stands a chance.

DEANDRE JORDAN

I really didn’t wanna go with 3 Clippers in my MonStars lineup. But they just make so much sense. Not only does he fit the mold of a giant athletic big man, but much like Chris Paul, the aliens have already begun stealing his abilities. It’s the only explanation for his free throws…

deandrejordanairballft

KRISTAPS PORZINGIS

By far my favorite selection to round out the MonStars. Kristaps is the perfect tall, goofy monster to add some comic relief to an otherwise terrifying group of people. Anyone remember who the original tall blue MonStar was in the original Space Jam? — Shawn Bradley. How did Shawn Bradley even sneak his way into that movie? Anyways, Kristaps is perfect for this role. Kristaps looks exactly like the big blue Shawn Bradley MonStar too, but I’m curious to see if he will actually turn into the tall blue alien pictured above, or if he’ll turn into a full blown Godzingis.

kristaps-porzingis-godzingis

We’ll have to wait and see who Swackhammer ends up selecting, but if he goes with this lineup, the Toon Squad is in serious trouble. Good luck Lebron, let’s see if you do a better job bringing a championship to Earth than you’ve done bringing one to Cleveland

ONE LAST FUN FACT: For Space Jam, R Kelly won the Grammy for Best Song Written Specifically for Motion Picture or Television with the song “I Believe I Can Fly” and it wasn’t even the best song in the movie. Not by a long shot…

EVERYBODY GET UP IT’S TIME TO SLAM NOW. WE GOT A REAL JAM GOIN DOWN.

WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM.

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