Speed Rankings: Alternate Pierre McGuires

Speed Rankings time people. If you’re a fan of hockey then you’re a fan of Pierre McGuire. Don’t lie. Even if you say you don’t like him, you can’t deny he’s the wild card hockey needs. He somehow scored the best job in hockey —  stands right between the player’s benches, and gets to interject with whatever comment he feels like whenever he feels like it during the broadcast. He’s constantly creeping out his co-workers, but it’s must see TV for sure. Just look at him doing his thing (Pierre is the bald one).

….you don’t know about Hal Gill?

Pierre is great. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But… What if there was no more Pierre? What if he quit NBC and just traveled around the world on a Junior Hockey bender and we never heard from him again? Who would replace him? Here are some Speed Rankings on my top alternate Pierre McGuire’s.

Michael Scott

Michael Scott is low-key a really good hockey player. You see him skate in a couple of different episodes. And he once references scoring the most goals in his High School hockey team’s history, in a non-ironic way. I’ve argued before that the writers of The Office want us to think Michael Scott gave up his hockey career because he wanted to pursue family life, making him an even more tragically hilarious character. I’ve never won that argument, but I’m standing by it.

Aside from that, it’s hard to say why Michael Scott would make a great Pierre. Maybe I just need more Michael in my life. But nobody could ever explain why Michael Scott was the best Branch Manager at Dunder Mifflin either. Not even Michael himself.

I’m sure Pierre doesn’t know where his sentences are going either

Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg should get the nod for his voice alone. But his recent commentary on National Geographic videos really make him a great candidate for an alternate Pierre. I bet Snoop knows as much about hockey as he does about nature. Which is probably not a lot. But he can freestyle anything. Which makes for some real, live, impromptu content like this. Quality stuff.

Plus he sometimes wears hockey jerseys. That’s 2 points for Snoop. Which is all you need in hockey. And in Speed Rankings.

 

John Rich

I’m an obvious choice.

Lou Holtz & Lee Corso 

Spontaneity is one of the best things TV programming can have. And what’s more spontaneous than two older gentleman spiraling into senility? Holtz and Corso have been so far out of pocket for years. They’ve both been out to lunch on live TV for about 2-3 seasons now. Holtz has finally been ‘let go’ by ESPN. I’m not sure what the verdict is on Corso. I think he’s still there. Which is incredible. They’ve both gone off the deep end. Lou Holtz is literally ineligible half the time. And Lee Corso is dropping F-Bomb’s on air and getting away with it. We need to team these two up. How has ESPN not done that yet? They both talk college football, and are both must see TV. So once ESPN pusses out and ‘let’s Corso go’, let’s put them together between the benches and see what happens… aside from a MASSIVE spike in ratings.

Lee you can’t promise the people you won’t drop F-Bombs again… there’s no way you can guarantee something like that.

John Buccigross

This is actually the person who should replace Pierre McGuire if he ever leaves. Buccigross had a fast start onto the hockey scene when he became the only person at ESPN (aside from a rare Barry Melrose sighting) to actually appreciate hockey. It’s a shame he’s wasting away at ESPN while Mike Milbury & Anson Carter are dominating airtime on NBC’s playoff hockey coverage. Buccigross would be a great Pierre. He knows hockey and stays current with the times, which makes him perfect for the job. #BucciOvertimeChallenge is one of the greatest hashtags to ever hit Twitter — Borderline revolutionary.

buccigross-logo-450

Someone free this man from fucking Disney.

Bill Burr

Shoutout to the best Standup Comedian in the game today. This one may seem like a bit of a stretch, but I have as much confidence as I do in Buccigross that Bill Burr would slay the role of Pierre McGuire. I know Bill Burr loves hockey, especially his Boston Bruins. And he’s honestly the funniest person I’ve ever seen perform in comedy, on a podcast, radio show, anything. I might rank Richard Pryor above him overall as a stand up comic, but that’s only because Richard Pryor came first. Bill Burr is our generation.

Anyways, the real reason I want to see Bill Burr as the new Pierre, is because of the STELLAR commentary he has given on some recent NBA games. I know it’s a different sport and all,  but there’s not a sport in the world that wouldn’t be improved with some Bill Burr commentary. And you can tell by his basketball commentary that he’s a hockey fan at heart. Television GOLD.

 

Scott Ferrall

Even more so than Snoop Dogg, Scott Ferrall makes it in the Speed Rankings for his voice alone. I stumbled across Scott’s show “Ferrall on the Bench” by accident, when ESPN radio was randomly replaced by CBS radio in Northwest Ohio. So when I turned the station to 106.5 FM one night, I heard Ferrall speak for the first time. I thought he was doing an impression for the first 10 minutes of listening, before I realized that it was his real voice. Incredible stuff. Also, Ferrall is VERY aware of the sports gambling scene. Which is always a plus. That could be what the playoffs are missing. One commentator with a majority of their next paycheck bet on the very game they’re announcing. Ladies and Gentlemen, Scott Ferrall.

Don Cherry

I’m too young for Don Cherry. I missed him. Maybe he’s still working. I’m not sure. We quit getting the Canadian channel by the time I was like 10 years old. All I know is that he wears nuts suits, and that everyone a little bit older than me loved or hated him. Which I’m pretty sure is how everyone feels about Pierre. I just wanna see what this Don Cherry character is all about.

BONUS CONTENT – BILL BURR vs. SCOTT FERRALL

I don’t expect many people to actually listen to this. It’s super long. But it’s Bill Burr vs. Scott Ferrall in an all time battle on the CLASSIC radio show Opie and Anthony. It’s truly legendary stuff. They should really be on a broadcast together, but they’re both too great as individuals for me to lump them into the same Speed Ranking category. So if you love good banter, you’ll enjoy this back and forth right here.


“Take a shave you look like shit”


God bless Pierre McGuire. May he live forever. But in the case that he doesn’t…..

SPEED RANKINGS ARE HERE… YOU’RE WELCOME NBC. YOU’RE WELCOME HOCKEY.

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