Ben Simmons is the worst

The NBA draft lottery was last night. The picks were awarded in the following order

  1. Philadelphia 76ers
  2. Los Angeles Lakers
  3. Boston Celtics
  4. Phoenix Suns
  5. Minnesota Timberwolves
  6. New Orleans Pelicans
  7. Denver Nuggets
  8. Sacramento Kings
  9. Toronto Raptors
  10. Milwaukee Bucks
  11. Orlando Magic
  12. Utah Jazz
  13. Phoenix Suns
  14. Chicago Bulls

The general consensus (took me so long to spell that word) is that Ben Simmons of LSU will be the first pick. Which is fair. Even though LSU was horrendous, Simmons put up a hell of a stat line this year


I think everyone is in agreement that the 76ers will be selecting Ben Simmons first in the draft. Personally, I think this is another sad day for the city of Philadelphia. Regardless of how well Simmons ends up doing in the league, the most he will ever be is a more boring version of Lebron. And let’s be honest, aside from his play on the court, there is nothing exciting about Lebron. He’s the most vanilla superstar I can remember. Maybe Tim Duncan beats him, but Tim Duncan is so legendarily vanilla that it’s actually fascinating.

Some people are now saying that Simmons might force his way onto the Lakers. Trust me Laker nation. You don’t want this guy. He’s a boring as boring can be. For one, I pray to god this this man busts. Now, I should be clear – all I have to base this argument off of is Ben Simmons social media activity. But just ask yourself, is this the guy you want as the face of the NBA for the next couple decades?

#TrulyBlessed and #grindmode are both serious #RedFlags for me. You don’t need to prove to people that you’re grateful for your talent. We all know you work hard. That’s how you got to where you are today. But no. There’s a whole new wave of talent coming into pro sports that needs to publicly display to the world that they do indeed work hard, especially in the off season, and it’s super annoying. We need more athletes like Marshawn Lynch who will literally pay hundereds of thousands of dollars in fines just too keep it real.

I wish Marshawn Lynch would speak at the rookie symposium for all sports just to teach up and coming players how not to be pussies. On the field. Off the field. AND when it comes to raising children. Marshawn has the blueprint that Ben Simmons will never be able to follow. Notice in this video that Marshawn Lynch’s crotch grabbing move actually RAISED MONEY FOR CHARITY. That’s how you be a modern day athlete. Take notes Simmons.


Here’s how Lynch deals with children.

On top of that. Marshawn Lynch is currently building schools in Haiti, and the only publicity that gets certainly does not come from him. Can you imagine if someone like Ben Simmons, or J.J. Watt went to build schools in Haiti? We would never hear the end of it. It would dominate everything on ESPN. But no. This new generation of the “I’m better than you” athlete is entirely self serving. Everything they do is calculated. But most of all, everything they do is super lame. I’m sick of generic celebrity athletes, and Ben Simmons is a candidate for Generic Boring Athlete #1.

Ben Simmons is the definition of a basic bitch. Not a chance you’re gonna catch him grabbing crotch after throwing down a dunk. Damn shame…







So just in case you didn’t know. Ben Simmons is preparing for the NBA. He loves the #grind. He keeps it 100. The man is truly blessed. He loves the game. Most most importantly, he would never cheat the game.

If Ben Simmons becomes the new face of the NBA. And we end up with Steph Curry, Lebron James, and Ben Simmons as the league’s most popular starts, not only will I puke on site, but I might genuinely boycott NBA basketball and switch the the WNBA. I could use more Diana Tarausi and Brittnay Griner in my life anyways. Guarantee they both have more balls than this pussy Ben Simmons.

Serious Ben. All you need to do is “accidentally” post a picture on social media of you smoking a blunt, get busted with hooker in your room, or something a normal person in your postion would do. Everyone will love you for it. At this point, I’m not sure you’re even a real person. There’s not a single American who can relate to someone who does everything correctly. I should really be running his PR team. I could make him a star. But no. He’ll probably just keep posting super plain, super boring, and super non controversial pictures and tweets and nobody will have anything bad to say about. It’s gonna be so boring. But we better get used to it. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that Simmons gets busted for running some crazy underground Russian Roulette game in his basement or something just to spice things up. He needs a little controversy in his life. I just don’t think the world can handle another superstar who does everything the right way. Nobody wants that. Please be more interesting Ben. For the sake of sports. Just come out and tell the truth about how much money LSU paid you to go there. It’s obviously a lot. We all know it. Just grow a pair and tell us. All the best pros have a scandal in their past. JUST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I CANT HANDLE ANOTHER DECADE OF BORING GENERIC LEBRON-ESQUE ATHLETE TALK. Just do one thing like this and you’ll be fine. Just one time. Maybe take a page outta T.O.’s. Just do ANYTHING. PLEASE!!!

That’s how you make a splash in prop sports nowadays. TO was ahead of him time. Take notes Ben Simmons. Be different. For the sake of basketball

One last thing. Quit reminding people you’re Australian. The NBA loves America. Take a page out of Kyrie Irving’s book and just ignore your heritage. Nobody remembers he’s Australian because nobody wants to remember he’s Australian. He doesn’t shove is down our throats. It’s working well for him.

Just one man’s opinion. Keep doin you I guess. Enjoy your barbie shrimp or whatever.

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