What To Do If You Are A Prisoner Who Has Been Released Early Due To Coronavirus

Are you one of 3,100 federal inmates who has been granted an early release due to the Coronavirus pandemic? Being released from prison isn’t all fun and games. It can be a stressful time. It can be overwhelming. Especially if you and your loved ones weren’t prepared for your early return. You might feel like you don’t have a place in society anymore, and rightfully so. You probably did something really bad and deserved a longer sentence. However, none of that matters now. You’re out of prison, and you need to live your life. Here are some things you can do to assimilate yourself back into the American society.

brooks was here

More Crimes

Dog fights, human trafficking, etc. At this point, you’re probably institutionalized. You can handle prison. You know the ropes. So it’s really not a big deal if you end up going back, right? All you ever knew was a life of crime, and assimilating yourself back into society can be a real bitch (i.e. Brooks Was Here). Especially considering the current job market. It’s hard enough to get a real job if you’re not a felon. I’m bound to be laid off any day now and I have a college degree. You barely stand a chance.

If you don’t want to go back to prison, be sure to commit the same crime that sent you to prison in the first place. They can’t legally arrest you twice for the same crime. That’s called Double Jeopardy.

alex trebek
Terminally ill Alex Trebek popularized the phrase “Double Jeopardy” on the hit game show “Jeopardy”. However on the game show, the phrase takes on an entirely different meaning.

 

Write A Tell All Book

Put your prison alma-mater on blast in a tell-all book. Even if your prison treated you fairly, you can just make things up. White people love pretending to care about the treatment of prisoners. We’re going to love your book. I bet the Warden was a real prick anyways. Just wait until the world hears about how he stole money from, and sexually abused the inmates. Talk about how one guard in particular didn’t wet the sponge when giving someone the electric chair, which lead to a long gruesome drawn out death like in the Green Mile. Tell a crazy story about how one prisoner sucked the Urinary Tract Infection right out of a guards dick then vomited up a bunch of flies.  Pretend your prison was the Green Mile but in real life.

 

Pay Tribute To Kim Kardashian

As a prisoner, I am certain that Kim Kardashian is a personal hero (heroine) of yours. In 2018, President Trump granted Kim Kardashian the power to pardon any prisoner of her choosing. She’s been releasing violent criminals like hotcakes ever since. Kim is undoubtedly an incredible human being. Although you were released due to Coronavirus, it is important to pay tribute to the queen.

Kim K prisoners

 

They say the best way to contact Kim is by calling her talent agency at (310) 258-9000, but good luck getting through to her that way. If you really want to show your appreciation, it is best you do it in person. Kim Kardashian lives in a mansion in an affluent suburb of Los Angeles. To be exact, her home address is 25115 El Dorado Meadow Rd, Hidden Hills, CA 91302.

Kardashian Directions
From the 101, take Exit 29 N onto Valley Circle Blvd toward Mulholland Dr. Take a left on Spring Valley Rd until you run into El Dorado Meadow Rd and Kim’s house will be on your left
kim k house
Park down the road to draw as little attention as possible. Use the trees as cover and sneak down the alley around the left side of her house. The best way to enter is through the pool gate, which is typically left unlocked (Kim is careless).
kim k house 2.jpg
Disguise yourself as a gardener in case anyone is looking out the back window. Once you’ve established yourself, creep around the side of the house, scale the façade, and enter Kim’s room through her bay window. Give her a well deserved bear hug. She will be appreciative

 

Fruit Stand

Everybody needs fruit. Bananas bring in big bucks. In cities like Los Angeles, the average fruit stand profits $60k annually. The more established vendors can make six figures during a hot summer. After you’ve paid tribute to Kim Kardashian, find an empty street corner in Koreatown and set up your stand. It will take a few months to get going, but there will be a line down the block once word of your ripe fruits gets around town. It’s nothing lavish, but it’s honest work, and people will always need their fruit. As the old saying goes, “There’s money in the plums”

Fruit Stand
Orange you glad you decided to sell oranges

 

Use My Full Proof Roulette Strategy

All you need is for someone to bankroll you at least $10,000. Then you’ll need to find a casino with fairly low minimums. Try to find a roulette table where you can bet $5 on black. Then bet black every single time. Start out with $5. Every time you win, pocket $5. If you lose, then bet $10. If you lose again, bet $20. Lose that, bet $40. And keep doubling your bet until you eventually win and break even. You would have to lose 11 spins in a row to run out of money, and you have a 47.4% chance to win each time. There’s no way you lose it all.

Please report your winnings back to me because I truly believe this would work.

roulette

Become A Coronavirus Truther

Being a prisoner who was released because of Coronavirus gives you an interesting vantage point. People will give you credit because as someone who has benefited from the Coronavirus, nobody will expect you to call it out for being a fraud.

Befriend the likes of popular ass holes like Alex Jones and Clay Travis. Go to your local hospital and film empty sections of the parking lot to show that it’s really not crowded at all. If you look at the statistics, the Coronavirus is really no worse than the flu. Old people die from the flu all the time and nobody makes a big stink about it. In the long run, the economic recession will be worse for our country than if we just let some people die. We’re overpopulated anyways. There’s someone in the government who’s making money off of this “worldwide pandemic”. It’s up to you to find out who it is and tell the world.

spongebob stay inside

 

If none of these viable options appeal to you, here is some additional food for thought:

  • Big Time Movie Producer
  • Go Back in Time and Kill Baby Hitler
  • Slam Poetry
  • Join the Circus
  • Medical School/Doctors Without Borders
  • Rare Furs
  • Create A Football Team and Play in the Same League as the Prison Guards
  • Haberdashery
  • Open A Leather Shop In Arizona
  • Run For Office (Secretary of State, Chief of Staff, Surgeon General, etc.)

 

 

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