How To Spend Your Stimulus Check

The government issued stimulus checks have started to appear in the bank accounts of qualified American’s. Everyone who qualifies will be receiving $1,200. Mine was direct deposited Monday morning.

stimcheck bank


Who doesn’t love free money? Despite the unfair and biased media, I think we can all agree that Trump hit a home run with this one. God bless our President.

But what is to be done with this sum of money? It’s nothing to sneeze at. But $1,200 won’t do that much either. It’s not like saving that money is going to drastically change your life. The current economic recession is more of a morale problem than a financial issue, so make sure you spend your stimulus check on something that brings you joy!

Here are a few ideas:

Adopt Every Dog At The Humane Society

Everybody loves dogs! And now you finally have the time & money to adopt 30 of them at once. It’s tragic how many dogs are mistreated, abandoned and left on the streets. Be a hero in your town and take them all home with you. Just be sure to have them spayed & neutered or else you’ll end up with more than you can handle.

all the dogs


60 Straight Days of Chic-Fil-A

Secure two months of meals, and your place in heaven by dining at Chick-Fil-A every single day until your check runs out. 4 Chicken Sandwiches (2 Reg, 2 Spicy) and 2 Mac & Cheese’s will fill you up for $20 per day. Chick-Fil-A is actually pretty healthy, and unlike most greedy money-hungry fast food chains, they do things the right way.

chick fil a sign.jpg


1,151,631 Rwandan Francs (RF)

Convert your money to Rwandan Francs (RF) and you will be a millionaire! You won’t be able to spend it in America, but it will be awesome to hold. Put it in a swimming pool like Scrooge McDuck. Walk around the house like you’re as rich as Don Cheadle.

not don cheadle


Raf Simons Oversized Puffer

raf simons

Did Raf do it again or did Raf do it again? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one-thousand times. RAF. SIMONS. CAN’T. MISS. In the designer clothing world, Raf Simons isn’t up next, he’s up NOW. The Oversized Puffer is only going to increase in value over the coming years. Think of this not only as a magnet for pussy, but as a sound financial investment as well. This is something that will be in your family for generations. You will wear it to your daughters wedding, your sons graduation, and when you pass away your son will wear it to your funeral. Consider doing something responsible with your stimulus check, and invest in Raf Simons.


Spitefully Tip A Bartender

I personally invented spite tipping years ago at a bar in downtown Toledo after a Mud Hens game. I was waiting at the bar to purchase a single $5 drink, with a $20 bill. The bartender made eye contact with me multiple times and blatantly ignored me. He was intentionally serving others who walked up to the bar after me for no reason other than to be dick. When he finally took my order, I handed him my $20 bill and told him to keep the change – thus establishing my superiority over him. Despite him being intentionally shitty to me, I could afford to tip him 400%. That extra $15 meant literally nothing to me, but to his broke ass it was a big deal. I quickly drank my beer then moved on to the next bar. I proved to him that he was no more than scum on the bottom of my shoe. I got the best of him in that exchange.

Do that but on a grander scale to really teach someone a lesson.


Give It To A Homeless Person

Wouldn’t that be so awesome to do just one time? Like it’s no big deal at all. Just pull up to a stop light, flag down the intersection’s most prominent homeless, and casually hand him 1,151,631 RF.



Carpet Your Bathrooms

There is nothing worse than cold feet on hard tile when sitting on the toilet. For $1,200 you’ll be able to afford extra long shag carpeting for all of your bathrooms. Gone are the days of putting on socks and shoes to poop. You’ll be hard pressed to find a downside to a carpeted bathroom.

carpet bathroom


Mike Tyson Cameos

For merely $500, Mike Tyson will say whatever you want to whoever you would like. There are literally endless things that Mike Tyson could say. There are no rules.

mike tyson cameo

“Hi this is Heavyweight Champion of The World Mike Tyson. I regret to inform you that your friend Keith has been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, and you should probably get tested”

“Hi this is Heavyweight Champion of The World Mike Tyson. Your friend Keith is wondering if you know of anyone in the area who has the hookup on some good nugs. I know it’s tough right now since we’re all quarantined, but he’s just been so bored ever since Pep Boys laid him off. He’s willing to drive to you, and even smoke you out for the trouble.”

“Remember me you little bitch? I know what you said. You’re fucking dead, pal. Make sure you hug your wife and kids extra tight tonight.”


Erotic Cartoon Character Tattoos

It’s not bestiality if the animals can talk. You’ve always lived on the edge anyways. 

Erotic Looney Tunes are fun & appropriate for all ages. Your adult friends will be turned on (boners), and young children will simply see some wacky cartoon characters having a goof. Once your children get a little older, it will be a great point of reference when it’s time to talk about the birds and the bees.

sexy cartoon tatsUnrelated note: maybe turn on the safe search before typing “Erotic Looney Tunes into Google Images.




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