Ranking Presidents by Their Hats

It is often said, the bigger the man, the bigger the hat. This is a common fallacy. Size does not matter. Not in hats, not in anything else. This is something everyone agrees on.

penis charts


Now that we have that cleared up, I’d like to turn my attention to our president’s hats.

Barack Obama & Donald Trump (Tied for 1st)

Hard to choose between our two most recent Presidential hat wearers. Obama & Trump both bring something unique to the table. They have their differences politically, but hold tremendous respect for each others hat game.

obama trump


Teddy Roosevelt (2nd)

Our 26th president, Teddy Roosevelt, the Mr. Peanut of his time, was no stranger to fine head wear. Roosevelt was the first president to win the Nobel Peace Prize. On the other hand, Mr. Peanut was a classy legume.

tedd rooseveltmr peanut


George Washington (3rd)

Our first and arguably most racist President knew his way around a hat. When he wasn’t busy chopping down cherry trees, you could find him at the haberdashery mulling over the colonies finest hats.

George Washington Hat 1

George Washington Hat 2


Ronald Reagan (4th)

Howdy y’all! It’s everyone’s favorite president Ronald “Rootin’ Tootin'” Reagan. Reagan said “Yee Haw” at his inauguration, and America was quick to “Giddy Up” on the Reagan Wagon as he guided our country through the trials and tribulations of the Old West.



yosemite sam

John F. Kennedy (5th)

People forget that John F. Kennedy was adamantly against hats. According to the 4th picture that comes up on Google Images when you type in “John F Kennedy wearing a hat”, he ended the tradition of gentleman wearing hats.

JFK hat 1

Well explain this fuck face

JFK hat 2

Kennedy was famously sans-hat when he was assassinated (see video) by Lee H. Oswald in 1963. People have since speculated whether or not Kennedy’s absence of hat played a role in his death.


Dwight Eisenhower (6th)

I LIKE IKE (but only when he wears a hat). Eisenhower is widely recognized as having the worst head of all our presidents, making his hat more of a necessity than an accessory. People would often say things like, “eww” & “gross” when he addressed the nation with his scalp exposed.

eisenhower no hateisenhower hat


Abraham Lincoln (Last)

Ridiculous hat. Way too tall. Historians have Abraham Lincoln listed as 6’7″. Wearing a 5 foot tall hat is simply selfish. Save some air space for the birds.

abe lincoln hat final