I was feeling a little extra depressed today because I don’t do shit other than “work from home”, tweet, write blogs, and try to watch The Sopranos. I just can’t make it past the first couple episodes. I’m sure it gets good, but it just hasn’t grabbed me yet. All I really want to do is watch sports, go outside, and make human pyramids with my friends.
I’m optimistic that by this time next year things will start to seem normal again, but there are some things that might forever be different. For example, I think a year from now we will all be wearing masks. Click here for tips on how to make your mask cool and fashionable.
It will be more than just masks though. Here are my bold predictions.
Handshakes Will Seize To Exist
This isn’t even bold, this is absolutely going to happen. Thank god. Why is shaking hands so important anyways? I certainly won’t miss it. It’s weird that people do this in the first place. I don’t need to be rubbin’ palm with people who I’ve never met before in my life. Or even with people I like. Most hands are gross. People act like handshakes are a pillar of our society. I can’t stand a “You can really tell a lot about someone by their handshake” motherfucker.
Handshakes will need to be replaced by something. Jazz hands are an option of course. I would be open to bowing (i.e. Asians). However I’m sure most people will stick with a simple head nod.
Norman Summerton Will Be A Household Name
If you haven’t heard the name Norman Summerton yet, it is only a matter of time. He only has a couple thousand Twitter followers so far, but that is going to change soon. By the end of the quarantine we will all be so sick and tired of playing Call of Duty and re-watching The Office. We will crave a new type of conent. A better, classier, hornier brand of content. When that time comes, Norman Summerton will be here.
My favorite bit of his is when he wears the tit cups. It’s also pretty great when he takes them off. Norman’s tit cups have already made him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and fame is sure to follow. Documentaries, hour long Netflix specials, Saturday Night Live, Wheaties Boxes, etc. Norman’s tits will be everywhere you look by this time next year.
Polio Will Make a Comeback
Just when the Coronavirus starts to settle down.. BAM! Here comes Polio to really kick our asses.
Cleveland Will Seize to Exist
A deadly trio of Coronavirus, Polio, and Native American’s rebelling against the Cleveland Indians continued use of Chief Wahoo as their mascot will turn the city of Cleveland to an abandon wasteland. Those who survive will be given a $500 Amazon gift card, and involuntarily relocated to vacant houses in the drug filled streets of Baltimore, Maryland. The Cleveland Browns will become Baltimore Ravens II. The Ravens II will play on Saturday mornings in front of a small crowd of family and close friends, akin to Junior Varsity football. They will open every season against the Alabama Crimson Tide, and Alabama will always win. Rock n’ Roll music will be forcefully removed from all streaming platforms as a stark reminder of what happened at the Mistake on The Lake. #ClevelandNeverAgain will trend on Twitter for eternity.
Long Outfits Will Be The New Trend
I can promise you this – As long as I am writing blogs, I will advocate for long outfits. I yearn for them. There’s a reason they all cost upwards of $1,000 dollars, and it’s not because they are ugly.
Kim Jong-Un Will Come Out As Gay
As it turns out, Kim Jong-Un was never close to dying, he was off at Pray Away The Gay Bible Camp in South Hamgyong. At camp, he met a 19 year old boy named Byeong-Ho. Byeong-Ho was a promising young graphic designer at Pyongyang Chewing Gum Factory. Byeong-Ho created the most incredible chewing gum package designs the world had ever seen, but North Korea would never use the designs of a homosexual. Byeong-Ho was torn on what to do, but graphic design was his passion, so he promised the company he would cure himself.
At Pray Away The Gay Camp, Byeong-Ho and Kim Jong-Un were partnered up in the Straight Horseshoes competition. Against all odds, they won heterosexual first place. But they couldn’t leave their chemistry behind on the horseshoes field. Sparks flew that night at the ice cream social. The two champions gazed into each other’s eyes as they ate mud with worms sundaes, but the worms on their mind were anything but soft & gummy.
That night they planned their escape. Pyongyang Chewing Gum Factory be damned. This was true love. Byeong-Ho quit his job as a graphic designer and moved in with Kim Jong-Un. The two lovers spend their days wearing long outfits, feeding each other grapes, and fanning each other with giant leaves.
Donald Trump Will Sell What’s Left Of Cleveland To North Korea For Kim Jong-Un To Use As His Gay Paradise (Slide Show)
North Korean politics are complicated. The North Korean public will be a little uncomfortable with Kim Jong’s true sexual identity. But he will need a safe place for him and Byeong-Ho to be gay together. President Trump and Kim Jong will strike a $5 million deal to give over control of the land that used to be Cleveland to North Korea. The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame will be changed to the Gay Sex Hall of Fame. Festivals will be held during the day. Dennis Rodman will star in interpretive rebounding shows every night. The city will be called New Cleveland and everyone will prefer it to old Cleveland.