Colored Profiling: Orange is back with its first blog following a long hiatus. After a grueling 4 and a half month battle with COVID-19, I am finally feeling up to writing again. Today’s color that we will be profiling is the color of Orange. This blog will feature zero (none) Donald Trump jokes because that is low hanging fruit. It is the lowest form of comedy and features a sophisticated style of humor that will not be compromised by low brow jokes.

An original piece from March 28, 2020

Orange is the official color of a basketball, and the favorite color of Lebron James. The simple basketball has made Lebron James rich beyond his wildest dreams. Dribbling, shooting, slam dunks/layups, etc.

Lebron James and his basketball

Bowling Green State University’s primary color is Orange #TalonsUp. Bowling Green State University Alma Maters include myself, Olympic Gold Medal Winner Ken Morrow, and my dad’s former student/noteworthy Maryland football coach D.J. Durkin.

Pictured from Left to Right: John Rich, Ken Morrow, D.J. Durkin

In 2014, NASCAR Driver Tony Stewart killed a guy by running him over with his orange colored Home Depot car. He has since learned his lesson.

Painting a cone or a barrel orange gives the object immense power. Cars will avoid them, and people will obey the boundaries they define. An orange cone/barrel can substitute for a cop in most situations which helps make defunding the police a legitimate possibility.

Orange is the highest grossing color of the popular soft drink Fanta. Fanta’s also come in purple, yellow, and red. In the Fanta TV commercials, each flavor of Fanta is represented by a hot babe. Despite orange being the highest selling Fanta color, the Yellow Fanta girl is actually the hottest.

“Who, who, who needs a Fanta?”

Here are some orange cartoon characters listed in order of who I would choose to quarterback my NFL team

Tony The Tiger (Frosted Flakes) – Tony is a 7 foot tall tiger with incredible upper body strength who can walk on 2 feet like a human. His opposable thumbs and knowledge of the English language make him a much better option than a regular tiger.

Fred Flinstone (The Flinstones) – Fred Flinstone’s low center of gravity coupled with his ability to move his feet as fast as people drive their cars make him a lethal triple option threat under center.

The Lorax (The Lorax) – I don’t know anything about the Lorax, but he has a presence that I am drawn to. Lorax has a great mustache, which implies that he is wise. He does not have any favorable measurables, but he’s a great guy to have in the locker room, and on game day he always finds a way to win

Tigger (Winnie The Pooh) – Tigger is a fucking psychopath. Completely uncoachable. However, he can use his tail to get down the length of the field in roughly 7 jumps. If I can just get him pointed in the right direction a few times per game I like our chances.

Ernie (Sesame Street) – Ernie would be the NFL’s first flamboyantly gay quarterback since Jeff Garcia. Ernie doesn’t throw the ball a long distance, but he makes the right decisions in the pocket and knows how to manage a game. He might not win you 12 games, but he won’t lose you 12 either.

Orange Ghost (Ms. Pac Man) – a lot of kinks to work out here. Not sure how he would hold a ball. Don’t think he has any communication skills. However, he is literally unstoppable unless the other team has a Ms. Pac-Man. Assuming the other team does not have a Ms. Pac-Man, and with the right coaching, the Orange Ghost could work.

Swiper (Dora The Explorer) – Swiper is a huge pussy. He could steal Dora’s lunch money with ease every day if he didn’t just give it back to her as soon as she turned around. He would simply hand the ball to the other team if they asked him nicely.

Velma (Scooby-Doo) – Velma is blind as a bat, and refuses to get contacts. It wouldn’t be a big deal if she could just keep her damn glasses on her face. Or get Lasik for god sakes. It’s 2020 Velma. Stop being a liability

Garfield (Garfield)- Not a team player. Terrible attitude. Cares more about lasagna than winning. Fucking hates Monday’s. Is fat. Cannot play with him. Cannot win with him. Cannot coach with him. Can’t do it.

Nemo (Finding Nemo) – Nemo is a fish. He is lost. He is a fraction of the size of a football. Can’t survive out of water. Would literally die before the game even started.

Last but not least is Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran is not a part of my cartoon character quarterbacks list, but he is a weird looking dude.

Ed Sheeran
Weird lookin dude..

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