Professional Athletes I Would Have Dominated

How stupid were the early-mid 1900’s. What a bunch of idiots.

“Hey I have a good idea let’s wear terrible hats and wool pants and buy things with coins.”

If I had a time machine that would take me back to 1930 they would name me President within 90 days. But I would not want to be President. That sounds terrible. I would however be the first athlete to make the hall of fame in all 4 major sports. Have you ever watched old school sports highlights? They can barely walk. I am not even sure they have feet. For this research paper, I will show you that athletes from the early-mid 1900’s are terrible and worse than me by a lot.

This week, Yankee pitching legend Whitey Ford became dead. My initial plan was to roast the man. I was certain I could take him dead center over the fence at the Polo Grounds with ease. However, I looked up some Whitey Ford highlights and I actually don’t think I could dominate him. Baseball pitchers were still pretty ok from what I can tell. I would certainly hit over .300, but nothing crazy. Credit to me for being fair. That being said, I came across a Whitey Ford World Series highlight that featured a defensive play by Professional Short Stop Tony Kubek.

“John are you saying that you’re better than the short stop for the New York Yankees?”

Yes. Unequivocally, yes. Please skip ahead to the 1:30 mark of the video below. A batter wearing ill-fitting pajamas and a woolen cap slaps a baseball politely to short stop. Tony Kubek proceeds to do his best dead fish impression in an attempt to field the ball with his throat. He nearly dies. He was removed from the game. It ended up losing them the World Series. The crowd was stunned.

“Why didn’t you use your glove dumb dumb?” exclaimed a fan.

“I can’t believe I paid 2 whole wheat pennies to watch this garbage. That’s a whole week pay at the stamp factory” said a 2^nd fan.

“Maybe we should let one of the black players play” said a 3^rd fan who was immediately beaten and thrown in jail.

You (present day) might be saying “But John that took a terrible hop and that ball was probably smoked” – Wrong. Watch the ball. It was a god damn candy hop. Tony Kubek is the equivalent of an above average rec league slow pitch softball player. Please add Tony Kubek to the list of athletes who I am better than. Professional Baseball Player, check.

Moving onto hockey. Doug Favell (aka every single goalie in the NHL from the 1970’s) is a complete and total idiot. He would have been significantly better if he remained stationary in net. Please skip to the 1:10 mark of the video below.

I mean seriously what on earth is he doing. He spreads his legs, and recedes into the net to allow the shooter as much open net as humanly possible. How do coaches watch a goalie play like that and say, “yeah I think he’s got a good feel for what’s going on.” Doug refuses to even move off of the goal line. He has zero concept of angles (see 2:36 mark). Conservatively speaking, in a shootout, I would score on Doug Favell 9/10 times.

Even in making saves, Doug Favell appears overtly hammered – please skip to the 1:53 mark. The man can barely stand on his skates.

Old hockey goalies are the funniest things in the world to me. Every single one of them. Even Jimmy Craig was kind of a shitshow. Just watch the whole video. There are dozens more horrific plays made by Doug. Whoever put this “highlight” reel together must hate him. Doug can’t be happy that this video exists. Please add Doug Favell and also Jimmy Criag to the list. Professional hockey, check.

Now let’s look back to the 1951 NFL season. Before they even run the first play at the 1:30 mark, you will notice that Hall of Fame Quarterback Otto Graham is an uncoordinated buffoon. He wears #60. You simply cannot be taken seriously as a quarterback wearing the #60. His running back is #76. It’s like they’re giving up before the game even starts.

If you would so kindly skip ahead to 4:40 for my personal favorite play. Quarterback #22 (ok, sure) heaves the football 20 yards downfield end over end and is intercepted by a Milk Man. The Milk Man laterals the ball to a real life person named Tommy Thompson, who laterals the ball to a door to door bible salesman, who is then SMOKED out of bounds by the entirety of the other team.  

I really do not even have to go further into this. It’s a 30-minute video, and 5 minutes in I had about a dozen plays to choose from to prove my point. It is abundantly clear that I would have been a 10-time NFL Championship Quarterback. Football, check.

Finally we come to basketball. Let’s take a look at the BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE in the 1950’s. Again, credit to me for being fair here, Bob Cousy does have some skills. Skip to the 0:40 second mark to watch Bob hit the defense with what can only be described as The Old Razzle Dazzle.

Not bad, but I mean… look at the defense. The Cous-man goes behind the back one time and puts the entirety of the other team (bench included) into a black & white blender. The very next play features Bob switching from his right hand to his left hand – a move the likes of which the defense had never seen. The form on his shot at the 1:00 mark? This is the BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE and he shoots the basketball like he’s changing a lightbulb.

As a 6’1” white man myself I would have dominated in the low post. Bob Cousy did some fancy things, but his competition was the equivalent of what you will l find at the local YMCA on a Tuesday morning. Basketball check.

In conclusion, the 1900’s were slow and dumb, whereas I am fast and smart. Please sound off in the comments to tell me how much you agree. Thank you for reading.