American Baseball Hero Jose Canseco has a history of inviting complete strangers from Twitter to spend a day with him for the low price of $1500. Remarkably affordable. I’ve fantasized about what a day with Jose would be like. If I had my druthers, this is how Jose and I would spend our day together.
Doing Steroids (7:00am-7:30am) – Obviously we will do a lot of steroids together. I am currently in the market for gaining 20-30 pounds of muscle without having to work that hard. Jose certainly knows his way around a steroid. I trust his judgement and allow him to inject steroids into my ass.
Discussing Steroids (7:30am-8:30am) – I ask Jose for a list of all the MLB players he personally injected/supplied steroids for, as well as all MLB players who he thinks used steroids.
Light Breakfast (8:30am-8:45am) – Nothing too heavy, we have a long day ahead of us. Probably just a banana and a protein shake to go along with the steroids.
Hassel Alex Rodriguez online (8:45am-9:30am) – Jose hates Alex Rodriguez and loves going at him on Twitter. I’m great at doing this as well. We spend 30-45 minutes sending threatening messages to Alex, and inappropriate tweets to Jennifer Lopez.
Hit Home Runs (9:30am-11:00am) – Now that the steroids have set in and I’m fucking huge, it’s time to put my new muscles to the test. Jose and I travel to the nearest baseball stadium where Jose throws me meatballs and I crush them over a 400+ foot fence
Make some Investments (11:00am-12:00pm) – Once the novelty of hitting bombs wears off, I would like to get rich as well. Nobody knows sound investments like Jose Canseco. I end up investing all my money in Cansecoin. I’ve been looking to get into the Cryptocurrency game for a while, and Cansecoin seems like a safe bet.
Lunch (12:00pm-1:00pm) – After a long morning of home runs and investments, we’ve really worked up an appetite. We go to Ed Debevics. Ed Debevics is one of those restaurants where the waitresses are intentionally mean to you (as a joke). It’s hilarious. Our waitress is a surly woman. She pokes fun of our bulging muscles and tight cut off t-shirts. Jose makes a few sexually aggressive comments that are meant to be a joke. He eventually takes it too far. We get kicked out and banned from the restaurant.
Hookers (1:00pm-2:00pm) – We get some hookers. It doesn’t go as planned.
Bury Some Hookers (2:00pm-4:15pm) – Digging two 6-foot holes, surprisingly time consuming
Smoke a Cigarette in Silence (4:15pm-4:25pm)
Invent Something (4:25pm-6:00 pm) – After a minor road bump, our day is back on track. Many people don’t realize that Jose Canseco is a skilled inventor. He singlehandedly brought back the longball with his PX4040 invention.
I’ve always considered myself somewhat of an inventor as well. I have the idea to invent a pedal powered wheelchair for handicapped individuals who’s arms are always getting tired. With Jose’s brain on my side, we pull it off.
Fix Jose’s Man Cave (6:00pm-8:00pm) – Now that Jose has helped me out so much, it’s my turn to give back to him. Jose DESPERATELY needs to upgrade his man cave. We can spend our evening building stadium seating and installing urinals in his bathroom.
Dinner (8:00pm-9:00pm) – we decide against going back out in public. Jose and I order a ham and pineapple pizza.
Reminiscing/Departure (9:00pm-9:30pm) – before I drive home, Jose and I reflect on our perfect day. I hand Jose $1,500 in counterfeit bills and get the fuck out of there.
Car Chase (9:30pm-10:15pm) – Jose realizes the bills are fake as soon as I get into my car. I peel out of his driveway. He grabs a baseball bat, puts on an Oakland A’s batting helmet, and hops on his Vespa. He chases me down the road. It’s a terrible vehicle choice by Jose. He is far too big for a Vespa. It doesn’t go nearly as fast as my 2014 Jeep Patriot. I watch as Jose Canseco gets smaller and smaller in my review mirror until he is completely out of sight. I’ve escaped scot free.
Arrive Home (10:15pm) – I take my dog for a walk and tell him about my eventful day. I’m exhausted and in bed by 10:30pm. I have to be well rested for a big day of work tomorrow.