Colored Profiling: Black

Black is actually not a color at all. It is the absence of color. But despite this fact, there is still a Black Crayola Crayon. The Black Crayola Crayon can be used to color and draw pictures of things that are black, including everything that will be mentioned in this blog. Black colored pencils, magic markers, and sharpies will work for this as well.

Killer Whales (mammals) are black. As someone who has watched the documentary Blackfish, I actively cheer for the Killer Whales who are stuck in captivity to attack the Sea World employees.  

Charcoal face masks are also black. When deciding whether or not you should use a charcoal face mask, here are some pros and cons to consider.

  • Pros: absorbs toxins from your skin, treats acne and blackheads, closes open pores.
  • Cons: will need to be in blackface for roughly 15 minutes
Bio-activated Neem Charcoal Mask - Neem Tree Farms

The Black Plague. It is significantly worse than Coronavirus. The Black Plague killed 25 million people. But much like Coronavirus, the plague can be fended off by wearing a mask. Plague doctors were able to stay plague free by wearing super cool bird masks with long beaks. Nowadays, you can find cool masks similar to this at anonymous sex parties/orgies.

From left to right; Plague Doctor, Orgy

Raider Fans wear black. Raider Fans are real life adult men between the ages of 30-60 who wear elaborate black costumes featuring detailed face paint that takes hours to put on. These people go out in public and cheer for the Raiders. In many cases, these men have families at home that they need to provide for. They are role models for their children.

Someone’s Dad

Consider Magicians. Much like Raider’s Fans, there are grown adults who are magicians as well. Magicians wear black costumes that typically feature a black top hat (i.e. Mr. Peanut), and a black cape. They also carry wands. Some of them work Tuesday nights at the Max & Erma’s in Reynoldsburg, OH where they do slight of hand tricks for middle class white families as they wait for their Smokehouse Chicken Sandwiches. If you were wondering how much money magicians make, the answer is very little. It is not a lucrative career. Aside from making next to nothing, magicians are widely disrespected, and most people consider them to be kind of creepy.

Foreclosed on his condo

Everyone knows the international symbol for Pirate is a black flag. Unlike magicians, pirates are some of the most well-respected adults on the seven seas. Pirates are very scary and very cool. Typically they are problem alcoholics, which is also pretty cool. They get to have sex with hot mermaids (beastiality). Pillaging, eye patches, swashbuckling, peg legs, arghhh, Captain Phillips etc. etc.

My favorite mustaches are all black. Rollie Fingers, Borat, Gene Shalit, etc. My least favorite mustache is black as well, which is of course the mustache of Adolf Hitler.

Steve Harvey has the best of all the mustaches. Perfectly symmetrical, and appears to be painted onto his face. Steve Harvey is considered by everybody to be the single greatest entertainer in the history of time. His jokes do not miss. He is handsome and everybody loves him.

Finally, I could not profile the color black without discussing Silhouette Lawn Decorations. Silhouette Lawn Decorations are a sign of wealth, prosperity, and super progressive views on abortion.

“Is that a cowboy leaning against a tree?! Is that a young child fishing in your gross pond?!

“Nope! Tricked you! It’s just my Silhouette Lawn Decorations!”

Silhouette Lawn Decorations can be found all across the middle of fucking nowhere in totally cool and normal places such as Byhalia, OH, Mount Victory, OH, Kenton, OH, Dunkirk, OH, or any of those not at all racist towns I drive through on my way back home to the only slightly better town of Bowling Green, OH.

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